Shaking My Fists at God Almighty

Last week, I posted a thought that got some special remarks. I notice some are very angry with God. I used to be, too.

Let me explain...

Once upon a time, this girl was raised by crazy. Insanity is part of my DNA. If it weren't for my stepfather, I'm not so sure where my sibs and I would've ended up. Probably a foster home. My mom would forget about us. Sometimes we weren't picked up until 11 at night after school. Dinner might be served at 1 in the morning. Sometimes she couldn't get herself out of bed to get us to school on time. Sometimes she couldn't sleep. And a lot of times we got whacked for no reason at all.

The majority of the time when she was awake, she spent it dividing and tearing her family apart. So many lies were told that I'm not really sure what is true and what is not, even now as an adult. I have to piece things together. My mother is someone who suffers from Bi-Polar disorder and is a pathological liar. Thank God, she wasn't a serial killer. She hurt all of us. My dad. My stepdad. Me. My sister. My brother. Even my kids.

I tried to control her. But I couldn't. Not even as an adult.

As a pre-teen and teen, I was bullied all through my tenure at a Christian school. No matter how hard I tried to laugh along with the insults, I was dying inside. And it didn't help that I had to come home to crazy everyday. Depression ruled my teenage years. A bag of Keebler's Pecan Sandies and a half gallon  of ice cream was my remedy. Eating everything I could get my hands on filled the void. I felt God never heard my prayers for relief and didn't understand why. Maybe I deserved this punishment.

At 18, I got married to someone 7 years older than myself. He and his holy-rolling family had a secret. He was a hardcore drug addict. Something I thought only happened in the movies. Domestic violence and 12 step-meetings riddled my life, along with back and forth scenarios to him and getting involved with yet another abusive man. Three children later, I made my break. But not without DCF waltzing into my life temporarily and making no case. All the while my mom poured salt into my wounds. There was a war between her and the mother-in-law. There was a score to settle.

Crazy surrounded me. The mother-in-law blamed my mom's insanity for the reason why her son was the way he was and for the fall of our marriage.

During this time, I questioned God. How could he let me marry someone like that? Why would God allow children to be born into a situation like this? Why? It didn't make sense that a loving God would allow such things. Why did I have to have the mother I had? Why would God do this to me? It wasn't fair. Was it? And why would another set of parents allow a young girl to marry their drug addicted son? They were Christians. What were they thinking?

When daughter number 3 was a year old, I married the younger 2  daughter's dad (I have 5 daughters in all). My mom decided she didn't like him and made our lives miserable. Her nose poked around in everything. More lies were told. She was hell bent to settle scores with the first hubby and his mom, and  then the second. Her lies became more convincing and more out of control. No matter what I did, I had no way of making her stop. I felt like a helpless little child.

Why God? Why would You allow this? It's not fair. It's not right. What did I do to deserve all of this?

Mom's lies snowballed myself, my daughters ... all of us at the mercy of the dependency courts. For 2 years, I wasn't allowed to have daughter number 2 and 3 in my care. They went to the holy-rollers and their drug-addicted son because of a lie my mother told. But I could keep the older child and the younger ones.

The 2 grandmothers were settling their scores by slinging mud. And I was the scapegoat. I'll never forget the day, my mother called. After I said hello, I got an earful of laughter, "They think it was you that made up a the lie. It was me. It's because of me you lost No-No and E-wee."

Why God? Why would you allow this?

When the state-hired-shrink had figure it all out and apologized for his misdiagnosis, it was too late. The damage was done to my character and I had to jump through rings of fire to get my kids back.

Why God? Why are you so hateful to me?

When my 2 daughters were returned to my care, my then hubby called me up in the middle of the night. "I'm not having fun. I'm not coming home anymore." For two years, he was seeing someone else right under my nose. He even started drinking heavy.

Why God? Why would you leave me to fend for 5 children on my own? Why?

I had to work 3 part-time jobs while I put myself through college. We were hungry most of the time. My family. The dads and their families, not even the state...not one of them helped me out. It was as if they wanted me to fail. Maybe they did.

Child support was and is a joke. If a man or woman doesn't have it in their heart to pay, it doesn't matter what you have done to them. It's a pure waste of time.

Why God?

I wrote a program called A Parent's Advocate, and worked it under a parenting program in Manatee County. "I'm going to take your program from you,' I was told. I worked it for 2 years. There are wolves in the child welfare system. It's not really about helping children and families at all.

Why God? Why?

After this, I wanted nothing to do with God. I felt that He had stolen precious years away from me being a mom. I can't express to any of you, how much I loved being a mommy. I always wanted to show my kids how much I loved them and that they were important, and that adults could apologize when they were wrong. I wanted to make special memories. I wanted a home of sanity and peace. But it was stolen from me for no damn good reason along with my knight in shining armor. I absolutely adored my younger daughter's father.

I was one angry white chick!

I sought every religion outside of Christianity for an answer. It was then I discovered a group of ladies who had psychic abilities. I had some, too. But it never answered my questions as to why bad things happen to nice, good people in general.

It's weird how our past haunts us through our adult children.

A couple of years ago, I had to take in daughter number 4's son. She struggles with drug addiction as does daughter number 3. When I had to take him in for the second time and battle DCF yet again, I cried 'uncle to God' so to speak. And I asked Him 'why?'

And a still. small voice answered me back, "A lot had to do with all the decisions that were made."

God is a gentleman. He won't step on anyone's toes to get them to do His will. He wants us to operate under free will. This includes how we react to hunger in the world, war, the widows, the elderly, the sick, to our outside environment, to the animals...He created a system and when we go against it whether deliberately or naively, the consequences can be dire.

But what about mental illness? Forgive and let go. I believe a lot of mental illness has to do with the ability to forgive or not. For many years after all the abuse from family members and DCF, I suffered from PSTD on steroids. Things crippled my insides, including my daughters' drug habits. It has helped cause me GERD and a twisted bowel.

You have every reason in the world to hate God, you might say. Oh but I did and all those confessing to be good Christians (YES. SOME ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITES...EVER). Came across a few of those while I was being struck down.

But anyway, I don't anymore. After I read the Bible through once (going on my third time through) I realized and understood that His 2 greatest commandments were to love Him with all our hearts and to love our neighbors as ourselves and this means no matter what. And if we could actually do these two things, everything would fall into place. No more war. No more hunger. No more environmental issues. No more mental illness. No more drugs. No more alcoholism. No more greed. NO MORE CRAP!

And that Yeshua lived this example for us. He laid down His human life for us all. I get it now. I hope all of you get it. That's my prayer.

Hugs and chocolate,
Shelly

PS Will be back Thursday with another excerpt from my on-line novel, The Immoral.

A Thought

If we seek to survive outside of the will of God, we usually do it through selfish means.

What do you think?

Finally ... Well, Sort Of

Got a new phone. A Samsung Galaxy 5. I like it. But I'm still learning how it works. Finally figured out how to post my blogs. Yay!

Anyway, this past Saturday, I downloaded Windows 10. I lost my cursor. Aw man! I've been going nuts trying to find a remedy.

After, pushing a bunch of different keys, I got a box telling me that my computer is fixing my cursor problem. But I need to press 'okay' and have nothing to do it with. OY VEY!

And yes, I've pushed 'enter' and the arrow keys. Got me nada.

So I'm waiting to see if anything happened while I'm at work.

I really need to get back to my regular schedule of doing things. I also need to figure out how to access the blogs that I follow from my new phone.

What's everyone else up to?

Hugs and chocolate, all,
Shelly

Eventually

Eventually, I'll get back to my normal schedule of blogging. Two weeks ago, E-wee, daughter number three decided to take a little trip. That's all I'm going to say about it. Other than its been full of drama that has knocked this writer off her keyboards.

Keep me in your prayers!

Hugs and chocolate, all!
Shelly

An On-line Novel: The Immoral: Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog

 

A bell chimed loudly out over the school yard. A ton of teens, both male and female, too many to count, herded to the front of the school building. Ronald scanned each face hoping to find a familiar one besides his BFF. But he didn’t see anyone from the Lutheran school or his neighborhood.

Cassandra stuck to him like Velcro. She never left his side even after they shuffled into the hallway of the building. They both went to the same home room for ninth graders.

“Where do you want to sit?” Ronald glanced around the room. There were more than enough empty desks. The front row sat vacant.

A tall greasy-haired boy stood in front of a chalkboard drawing a hangman. Five girls sat in the very back of the room chattering to each other.

“I don’t care,” Cassandra whispered. “Just as long as we sit together.”

The kid at the chalkboard drew a pair of square-shaped glasses on the stick figure’s face. After, he swirled around laughing, searching the room for someone’s attention to his masterpiece. “This ouhgta make Mr. Hangman feel welcomed.”

 “I thought our home room teacher’s name was Haggermen?” Cassandra plopped in a desk smack dab in the middle of the room, in front of what appeared to be the absent teacher’s.

Ronald sat in the desk to the left of her. “It is. The kid is just being stupid.” He made sure that his BFF could only hear him and set her book bag beside her.

The girls in the back giggled.

One of them said, “She looks like Miss Piggy.”

“And he looks like Kermit the Frog,” another one said through a cackle. “They must be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Ronald raised his brows. “I thought high school was for the more mature.”

“Me, too.” Cassandra twisted her face. “They’re not a very polite for a bunch of Southern Baptist Christian kids.”

“No. They’re not.” He figured as much. His parents hung out with a Southern Baptist couple and they were known for gossiping about anyone. But at the same time they were the most pious people he’d ever known.

“Did you hear that?” one of the girls from behind guffawed. “I believe Kermit croaked and Piggy snorted.”

“Yeah,” another girl agreed.

Before Cassandra and Ronald could even make a comment, from behind, a tall, lanky girl waltzed between them. “My friends and I were talking to the two of you.” She pushed at her dark, bushy curls over her shoulders, giving Ronald a serious look. “Don’t you two have any manners?”

“We had no clue who you were talking to.” Cassandra squinted at the girl.

“Yeah.” Ronald said. “We didn’t realize that we had walked onto the set of The Muppet Show.”

 

 

Shelly Arkon © 2015

 

 

Conspiracy Theories: New World Order: A Quote

Since I'm pooped from the Fourth of July festivities, I'm posting a quote made by David Rockefeller, in 1991. No one can tell me that we're not be controlled by a shadow government of some sort.



We are grateful to The Washington Post, The New York Times, Time Magazine and other great publications whose directors have attended our meetings and respected their promises of discretion for almost forty years. It would have been impossible for us to develop our plan for the world if we had been subject to the bright lights of publicity during those years. But, the work is now much more sophisticated and prepared to march towards a world government. The supranational sovereignty of an intellectual elite and world bankers is surely preferable to the national autodetermination practiced in past centuries." David Rockefeller [June, 1991]

What do you think?

I'll be back Thursday with another piece from The Immoral.

Hugs and chocolate, all,
Shelly

A Fourth of July Quote

I hope everyone enjoys their holiday and their families. Also, please remember to pray and say 'thank you' to God. And also say 'thank you' to our men and women who were and are in service for this country.

Hugs and chocolate, all!

Shelly

PS Next week, I post another segment from The Immoral