The shoes didn't fit. It was an omen.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

To Use or Not to Use Snippet

I thought I’d share this with all of you. My critters loved this piece but I haven’t decided if I will actually keep this in.  I may re-work into another chapter.

“Where do we hide with lightning? Don’t you know it’s not good to be under trees in weather like this?” A rain drop landed on my head. “With goons behind us.”

Within minutes rain drops pelted us. Orange streaks lit up the sky and thunder rumbled through it.

Cynthia grabbed my hand, and pulled me to an area of tall weeds and assorted Florida palms. They fitted snug into each other making the perfect hiding fortress. We both crouched behind them. Quarter-sized rain drops bombarded us. Lightning lashed out at the ground in the distance.

B.J. ran ahead into the watery veil, disappearing.

“I know I heard them,” Max said, a couple feet to my left.

My fingers trembled around my handgun. Rain blurred my vision. Cold shivers traveled up my spine and my teeth chattered together.

“Quiet,” Cynthia whispered, thumping my arm.

I bit my lower lip. “Ow,” I whispered.

“Shhh.” Cynthia parted the three foot palm trees and peeked out into the woods.

“I’m nervous and I need to pee real bad.” The pouring rain didn’t help.

Muddy grass sloshed near-by.

Cynthia closed the palm trees and held her lips pin straight. She gestured with her eyes and held her index finger to her mouth.

A twig snapped in front of us. The rain slowly stopped. I held my breath while Cynthia grabbed my hand and squeezed.

“They’re around here somewhere,” Max said. “I know it. I know I saw blood on the trail before it started to rain.”

“You think, Lila got shot?” Coon asked. “We shouldn’t have gotten her into this mess. I knew it.”

“Shut-up!” Max shouted. “She’s avowed to me. And she’s making no good on her wifely promises.”

Cynthia and I held onto each other, supporting one another in our squat positions. From the knee down every muscle went numb. My feet sunk into the muddy ground.

“So. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Hey! You had no problem staring at her assets back at the motel,” Max said.

“What’d you expect? I’m a guy. Guys stare at naked women.”

Two more sets of shoes splashed near-by.

“You going yellow belly on us?” Cockroach said.

“Nah,” Vinny said. “He’s sweet on her. Can’t say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.”

Brandy whined, sniffing around our palm tree fortress.

A pair of muddy boots stood in front of the foliage.

“Shoo,” Cynthia whispered to Brandy. The dog ignored her.

“Aaaa—” I slapped my hand across my mouth and held my breath.

The mucky boots stepped into our hiding place. “Did you hear something?” Max said.

I looked up. Crapity-crap-crap-crap.

Max towered over us with his hands on his hips, looking out into the forest without looking down.

“I hear rain drops falling from the trees,” Cockroach said.

“Sounds more like someone breathing,” Max said, staring out into the forest.

I kept my hand over my mouth while Cynthia stroked Brandy’s head.

The other two in unison said, “We didn’t hear anything.”

Brandy wiggled further under the palm to rest her head on Cynthia’s knee.

Max took one step away from our hiding area.

I peeked out to where the four idiots stood.

An owl hooted somewhere close by and other birds chirped a symphony around us. Movement fluttered leaves above us, water droplets fell onto us, and a bird took flight when Cockroach walked toward Max. It flew low, flapping its wings and squawking.

Cockroach flailed his arms about.“Ah, shit!” he yelled. “Get that damn thing away from me.”

Coon ran to him, waving his arms at the bird. “For God’s sake, I’m beginning to think birds are taking over like in that Alfred Hitchcock movie. What was that movie called?”

The bird flew back up into the tree.

“The Birds. Dickweed,” Vinny said.

A small breeze wafted the scent of rosewater to my nose, and a small whirlwind whipped up around Max. Muddy leaves blew all around him.

“What the friggin—,” he said slapping at the leaves swirling around him. He backed farther away from our hiding spot.

“Ohhhhh,” Coon said. “You know. Maybe someone’s trying to tell us something. Like leave Lila alone”

“Will you shut up!” Max shouted. “”Get this shit off me!”

Brandy laid down between Cynthia and me.




  1. Crapity-crap-crap. This is funny and spooky too.

  2. @Evie: Yup. It's funny. Spooky, too.

  3. I love the crapity-crap-crap-crap part...that so sounds just like you...

  4. I like it. I'd keep it. And Beth is so right.

  5. @Beth and DM: I've been staring alot andf thinking about it. I will probably combine it with another chapter.

    My critters loved it, too.

  6. Okay, I just burst out laughing at "I looked up. Crapity-crap-crap-crap."

    This is one of those tough things. I like the passage so on its own merits, I'd keep it. The thing is, only you know the entire story and how it fits together. It's the debate I had, especially with the first "cutting room floor" post I made and people asked me why I cut it. It was hard because it was actually a good scene, it just didn't fit. Again, as far as the passage itself, it's great and is a good sample of your writing (meaning that I will be purchasing this book when it comes out). :-)

  7. I'm with everyone else--I like crappity-crap-crap, too!

  8. It's a good one!

    In regards to this: “What’d you expect? I’m a guy. Guys stare at naked women.”

    All right... who blabbed?

  9. @ Sir Wills: You made me chuckle at my own funny. Thanks for coming by. It means a lot to me.


I'm dying to know what you think.