Last week, I posted a thought that got some special remarks. I notice some are very angry with God. I used to be, too.
Let me explain...
Once upon a time, this girl was raised by crazy. Insanity is part of my DNA. If it weren't for my stepfather, I'm not so sure where my sibs and I would've ended up. Probably a foster home. My mom would forget about us. Sometimes we weren't picked up until 11 at night after school. Dinner might be served at 1 in the morning. Sometimes she couldn't get herself out of bed to get us to school on time. Sometimes she couldn't sleep. And a lot of times we got whacked for no reason at all.
The majority of the time when she was awake, she spent it dividing and tearing her family apart. So many lies were told that I'm not really sure what is true and what is not, even now as an adult. I have to piece things together. My mother is someone who suffers from Bi-Polar disorder and is a pathological liar. Thank God, she wasn't a serial killer. She hurt all of us. My dad. My stepdad. Me. My sister. My brother. Even my kids.
I tried to control her. But I couldn't. Not even as an adult.
As a pre-teen and teen, I was bullied all through my tenure at a Christian school. No matter how hard I tried to laugh along with the insults, I was dying inside. And it didn't help that I had to come home to crazy everyday. Depression ruled my teenage years. A bag of Keebler's Pecan Sandies and a half gallon of ice cream was my remedy. Eating everything I could get my hands on filled the void. I felt God never heard my prayers for relief and didn't understand why. Maybe I deserved this punishment.
At 18, I got married to someone 7 years older than myself. He and his holy-rolling family had a secret. He was a hardcore drug addict. Something I thought only happened in the movies. Domestic violence and 12 step-meetings riddled my life, along with back and forth scenarios to him and getting involved with yet another abusive man. Three children later, I made my break. But not without DCF waltzing into my life temporarily and making no case. All the while my mom poured salt into my wounds. There was a war between her and the mother-in-law. There was a score to settle.
Crazy surrounded me. The mother-in-law blamed my mom's insanity for the reason why her son was the way he was and for the fall of our marriage.
During this time, I questioned God. How could he let me marry someone like that? Why would God allow children to be born into a situation like this? Why? It didn't make sense that a loving God would allow such things. Why did I have to have the mother I had? Why would God do this to me? It wasn't fair. Was it? And why would another set of parents allow a young girl to marry their drug addicted son? They were Christians. What were they thinking?
When daughter number 3 was a year old, I married the younger 2 daughter's dad (I have 5 daughters in all). My mom decided she didn't like him and made our lives miserable. Her nose poked around in everything. More lies were told. She was hell bent to settle scores with the first hubby and his mom, and then the second. Her lies became more convincing and more out of control. No matter what I did, I had no way of making her stop. I felt like a helpless little child.
Why God? Why would You allow this? It's not fair. It's not right. What did I do to deserve all of this?
Mom's lies snowballed myself, my daughters ... all of us at the mercy of the dependency courts. For 2 years, I wasn't allowed to have daughter number 2 and 3 in my care. They went to the holy-rollers and their drug-addicted son because of a lie my mother told. But I could keep the older child and the younger ones.
The 2 grandmothers were settling their scores by slinging mud. And I was the scapegoat. I'll never forget the day, my mother called. After I said hello, I got an earful of laughter, "They think it was you that made up a the lie. It was me. It's because of me you lost No-No and E-wee."
Why God? Why would you allow this?
When the state-hired-shrink had figure it all out and apologized for his misdiagnosis, it was too late. The damage was done to my character and I had to jump through rings of fire to get my kids back.
Why God? Why are you so hateful to me?
When my 2 daughters were returned to my care, my then hubby called me up in the middle of the night. "I'm not having fun. I'm not coming home anymore." For two years, he was seeing someone else right under my nose. He even started drinking heavy.
Why God? Why would you leave me to fend for 5 children on my own? Why?
I had to work 3 part-time jobs while I put myself through college. We were hungry most of the time. My family. The dads and their families, not even the state...not one of them helped me out. It was as if they wanted me to fail. Maybe they did.
Child support was and is a joke. If a man or woman doesn't have it in their heart to pay, it doesn't matter what you have done to them. It's a pure waste of time.
I wrote a program called A Parent's Advocate, and worked it under a parenting program in Manatee County. "I'm going to take your program from you,' I was told. I worked it for 2 years. There are wolves in the child welfare system. It's not really about helping children and families at all.
Why God? Why?
After this, I wanted nothing to do with God. I felt that He had stolen precious years away from me being a mom. I can't express to any of you, how much I loved being a mommy. I always wanted to show my kids how much I loved them and that they were important, and that adults could apologize when they were wrong. I wanted to make special memories. I wanted a home of sanity and peace. But it was stolen from me for no damn good reason along with my knight in shining armor. I absolutely adored my younger daughter's father.
I was one angry white chick!
I sought every religion outside of Christianity for an answer. It was then I discovered a group of ladies who had psychic abilities. I had some, too. But it never answered my questions as to why bad things happen to nice, good people in general.
It's weird how our past haunts us through our adult children.
A couple of years ago, I had to take in daughter number 4's son. She struggles with drug addiction as does daughter number 3. When I had to take him in for the second time and battle DCF yet again, I cried 'uncle to God' so to speak. And I asked Him 'why?'
And a still. small voice answered me back, "A lot had to do with all the decisions that were made."
God is a gentleman. He won't step on anyone's toes to get them to do His will. He wants us to operate under free will. This includes how we react to hunger in the world, war, the widows, the elderly, the sick, to our outside environment, to the animals...He created a system and when we go against it whether deliberately or naively, the consequences can be dire.
But what about mental illness? Forgive and let go. I believe a lot of mental illness has to do with the ability to forgive or not. For many years after all the abuse from family members and DCF, I suffered from PSTD on steroids. Things crippled my insides, including my daughters' drug habits. It has helped cause me GERD and a twisted bowel.
You have every reason in the world to hate God, you might say. Oh but I did and all those confessing to be good Christians (YES. SOME ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITES...EVER). Came across a few of those while I was being struck down.
But anyway, I don't anymore. After I read the Bible through once (going on my third time through) I realized and understood that His 2 greatest commandments were to love Him with all our hearts and to love our neighbors as ourselves and this means no matter what. And if we could actually do these two things, everything would fall into place. No more war. No more hunger. No more environmental issues. No more mental illness. No more drugs. No more alcoholism. No more greed. NO MORE CRAP!
And that Yeshua lived this example for us. He laid down His human life for us all. I get it now. I hope all of you get it. That's my prayer.
Hugs and chocolate,
PS Will be back Thursday with another excerpt from my on-line novel, The Immoral.