The shoes didn't fit. It was an omen.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A to Z Challenge, Day 19: U is for Underwear

Several, several months ago Lila and Max were given an underwear challenge to do but Lila’s been busy running and hiding out from Max. And well, Max has been busy looking for her.

Today, Max finally caught up with Lila for the umpteenth time.

Max: Yeah. Baby Doll. ***he grabs his crotch like Michael Jackson*** This is about underwear. I sure would like to see more than your frilly thangs. Like your other thang.

  ***Lila cringes.***He’s really disgusting. When I see that Shelly Arkon, I’m going to tell her---

Max: Tell her what? ***He slinks toward her.***

***Lila steps back.*** I’m only answering the questions and then I’m leaving.

***Max snakes his arms around her waist and squeezes her against him.*** Feel that?

Lila: Eww. Grody. She pushes at his chest and squirms.*** Gram! Where are you?!

Max: You talking to your dead grammy again? Ma says witches do that. You one of them witches?

Lila: Let’s answer the questions. ***She shoves at Max’s chest some more.***

Max: Okay. Baby doll. I’ll answer them questions and then after, I can get some luvins. Right?

Lila: Gram!

What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any nicknames for them?

Max: What numb nuts calls their underwear undergarments? That’s my question.

Lila: Someone with intelligence and dignity. I call mine strictly panties.

Max: You’re such a prissy little thang.

Lila sticks her nose in the air.

Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Max: I never dream unless it’s a wet one.

Lila: ***rolls her eyes*** Oh. My. God.

Max: Answer the question, baby doll.

Lila: I only dream about zombies. Lucky me. ***she squirms again****

What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Max: Hmmm….

Lila: Nothing can be as bad as this moment with you.

Max: You know you want me, baby doll. Girls that fight always do.

Lila: ***gasps*** Let’s go onto the next question.

If you were a pair of panties what color would you be?

Max: I know if I were a pair of panties I’d be clinging to Lila not caring what color I was. ***he shoves his lower half into hers***

Lila lets out a squeal.

Max: You know you want it.

Lila: Can we go to the next question? Please. ***She scoots her bottom half away.

Max: But you didn’t answer the question.

Lila: I have no comment.

Max: Well, I can see you all white and lacey-like. **He waggles his brows***

Lila: Gram!

Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock celebrity? If so, which ones?

Max: I once ran around naked at a Jimmy Buffet concert. I was smoking some really good shit.

Lila: I hope you were arrested.

Max: That night was a little foggy. How about you, baby doll?

Lila: Never in my life.

You’re out of underwear what do you do?

Max: Air them out. ***He grabs Lila hands and shoves them onto his crotch***

***Lila yanks her hand away.**** I always make sure mine are clean.

****Max nuzzles his nose into Lila’s hair.*** You keeping your thang squeaky clean for me. Oooo, you’re turning me on.

Lila: Oh. My. God.***with fisted hands she pounds his chest***

Max gives a wicked laugh.

Lila: Next question. Please.

Are you old enough to remember Underoos? If so,  did you have any? Which ones?

Max: Underoos who? ***he scratches his head****

***Lila breaks half of herself free from him. *** I haven’t a clue about what you’re talking about. Beats me. *** She wiggles more and sniffs the air. Rosewater.

Gram: You need to knee him in the balls. Makes sure you do it right. Knee not kick like you tried with that Vinny character.

LiLa: ***pulls her knee back***

Max: What are you doing, baby doll? We’ve got two more questions to answer. You promised.

Lila: I never promised anything.

If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Lila: STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME MAX BUTZ! ***Her hand goes to her mouth. She never talks like that.***

Max: You know you want it, baby doll.

Gram: He seems to think he’s got something special. A man with a little padding on his bum usually doesn’t have a well endowed one. It’s probably small.

Lila: Gram. Shhh…

Max: You talkin to your grammy again. You’re gonna have to stop that. Ma ain’t going to like that.

Lila: Are we on the last question yet? ***she relaxes her raised knee***

Max: There’s one more.

Lila: Let me go first and then I’ll answer it .

Max: It’s a trick. ***he holds her loosely now***

Lila: No. It’s not. I promise. ***she crosses her fingers behind her back***

Max: As long as you promise then. ***he let’s her go***

Lila takes two steps back.

Gram pushes something hard into Lila’s back. “Take this dear. You’re going to need it.

Lila: A gun. Okay. Next question then.

How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Max: I’m not sure me and my friends ever did that but we did dress up Brandy once. She tore that outfit to shreds. She likes to do that to cats, too. ***he lets out a chuckle***

Lila: I’m not stupid enough to even get near a goat. Don’t they have some terrible germ they can pass onto humans?

Max: Okay. Baby doll. I want my luvins. All them questions are answered now.

Lilla pulls the gun around in front of her. Locking her elbows, she points the gun at Max.

Gram: Knock his knee caps out!

Max: Don’t you love me, baby doll.

Gram: Knock them out! Now!

Lila: I hate being called baby doll, and I hate you Max Butz.*** She pulls the trigger and the gun explodes***

Through gun smoke, Max runs off into the Florida woods.

Lila: I missed him again, Gram.

Gram: You’ll get another shot at it.

DISCLAIMER: No one may use the written content. This belongs to Shelly Arkon.


  1. Max is a repulsive, hideous troll that needs to be wrapped up in chains and dropped into the deepest ocean trench. Post haste!

    I'm with Gram on this one. Kick him in the balls.

  2. Max sounds like a rat of the first order to us....

  3. How did she miss that shot? Interesting way to write a post dedicated to underwear. ;)

    1. Lila doesn't have much experience with guns.

  4. What do I call mine? Comando? (Just kidding)

    1. I don't girls call it commando?

  5. Funny posting. My mom used to say make sure you have clean underware on before leaving the house. I asked her once about that if you have an accident while out and have to go the hospital. :)

    1. I get what you're saying b/c you'd probably load up your panties with no time to change before the EMT arrived.


I'm dying to know what you think.